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Hemorrhoids and Religion?

Having a hemorrhoid is no laughing matter. In fact some people go to the extent of going to a far away place to rub their “behinds” on a religious artifact for them to be healed.

This is the story of Shem Kalim, a Muslim convert to Christianity, who lived in England and traveled to Jerusalem. His hope was to find some healing miracle to her hemorrhoid problems. She claims that Allah wasn’t responding to her when she was praying to him and the problem actually got worse. So after hearing the news about the people in Portugal, she went to the toilet to pray to Jesus. She claims to have heard Jesus voice to go to Jerusalem for her to be healed.

After arriving in Jerusalem, she found out there were two places for her hemorrhoid to be healed. Surprisingly, one of the places wasn’t a doctor’s office. So she got confused again as to what place she should be visiting. So she decided to pray to Allah again, but there was no answer. No offense to the Muslims, but Allah sure doesn’t seem to deal with icky situations. So she decided to pray again to Jesus, in her solemn place, the toilet.

After which she claims that Jesus told her that for healing she should go to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. She then claimed that Jesus told her to rub her swollen hemorrhoids on the slab of rock where He came back to life.

So Kalim went to the Holy Sepulcher and rubbed her ass where Jesus was resurrected. She was rubbing her ass pretty hard on the rock, when all of a sudden her hemorrhoids burst and blood spilled all over the place. After that she claims that there was no longer any pressure or pain. It was a miracle for Kalim.

But I could’ve given her an advice that could’ve saved her the time of going to Egypt. Why not just rub your ass, on a pointy rock you do find on the street? But I guess she really had a very painful behind that was no laughing matter.

All jokes aside, how does one prevent oneself from having hemorrhoids? Some of These advices are hard to follow. For example, if one needs to be seating all day when working Or when has a cough, diarrhea, or becomes pregnant? Here are some tips that may help lessen the chance of having hemorrhoids.

• Always stand or walk during you breaks.
• Try to stand and walk for at least 5 minutes for every hour.
• Try to shift positions from your chair to avoid rectal pressure.
• Always exhale as you strain.
• Make sure to have early treatments of coughing, constipation and diarrhea.
• Maintain softer stools should be a higher priority.
• Avoid reading to long while on the toilet.
• Immediately take action when all measures fail, as some the pain grows when its night.

If all else fails, maybe Kalim and all the other ass rubbers are right. When one becomes the butt of the jokes, one has got nothing to lose. So maybe one should try the Jerusalem trip, so loosen up and remember to bring lots of tissues and disinfectants.

Hemroids